THE SECRET DIARIES OF JANICE COMBS

2009-08-10T20:01:00.003-05:00

I snapped this pic of Frankie F. Baby's old get-high partner helping her move the last of her stuff
out to the ATL.
We've moved on up to the East Side, (well WordPress.) Yeah honey the queen is running with the big dogs now. Keep up with me and the Celebrity Mama Mafia at: http://fakejanicecombs.com

Mee-Maw's Little Sugars Endorse Obama

2008-10-30T15:43:00.004-05:00

Notice how they are asking for me between :48 and about :59. They start calling "Tee-tee! Tee-tee!" That's how they call for me! Now excuse me while I call SJ on his Blackberry and cuss him out for waking my grandbabies up from their naps for his vlog. They are gonna be cross as bears when Cheri Dennis comes over there to babysit tonight.

"All the Single Ladies-Beyonce"Dance Videos Got to STOP

2008-10-21T15:10:00.006-05:00

If I see one more of my vogue competitors gyrating in their 'Bring It On' shorts on YouTube I'm gonna scream. Tina Knowles can't you cast a hex or something? This child right here must've been doing a tribute to Diahann Carroll in 'Eve's Bayou' or something. All I know is I had to go pour myself a double shot of Patron to calm my nerves afterwards.

Mama Got the Blues: Open Letter to Poprah aka Kim

2008-09-23T20:18:00.006-05:00

You remember on the Beverly Hillbillies when Granny Clampett would get the blues? She'd take to her rocking chair in the corner with a jug of corn liquor, get her drink on, and sing her a spiritual till her soul and got happy? Well that's the mode I've been in these past few days, except I been sipping Crown Royal...ever since my girl Laverne got cut from SJ's (Diddy's) show. I know its his decision and all, but that's my girl! And I had ~~promised her the job and bribed Capricorn and that little Deliverance-looking white boy a couple grand each~~ looked forward to her being my liason at Bad Boy so we could fem vogue practice together. "Jesus, come by here..."

On serious note, the Queen rarely takes something back,~~cause I'm usually right.~~ But the Lord has convicted me about being so hard on Poprah. After I saw her bare her soul tearfully like that about why she gained weight, Melvin, my late husband, came to visit me and said the Lord wanted me to repent for bustin on her. Like. right. now. So here it is, serious as a ghost:

Dear Kim aka Poprah, I ~~think~~ (*Ouch!*Melvin dammit OKAY quit pluckin me on the head)!

I am truly sorry for everything I said about you baby-girl in my online diary here. Mama Combs had no idea you'd been through so much pain in your life. My mama's intution makes me wonder if something in addition to unwelcome advances happened to you; if so sugar, know that it was not your fault, hear? I strongly encourage you to go seek some counseling so you can process what you've been through. If you inbox me, I can give you a recommendation. I also commit to you right now, you have the full support of the Celebrity Mama Mafia; anyone messes with you, just hit Oracene, Cissy, Mama Combs, (or Anne if she's not high), on our Blackberries and we'll sho 'nuff handle this. Show anyone who messes with you this picture of us on maneuvers. Yeah that's how weez gets down, what? Okay baby-girl, I guess this is all I wanted to say. Let mama hear from you, mama loves you and is praying for you. You have a bright future ahead of you!

Smooches and love,
Fake Mama Combs

As for Kim Porter, Ms.J Alexander, Fake Frankie, or Lil Creole Frosted Mini Wheat, I ain't gone soft, so don't come in here and show off, hear?

It Ain't a Rumor: I WERKED The Pole!

2008-09-03T17:07:00.003-05:00

See here for details.

Related:

P.Diddy's Mom Knows Her Way Around a Stripper Pole

I'm Janice Combs and It's All About ME (on I Wanna Work for Diddy!)

2008-09-01T10:00:00.003-05:00

Yes sugars today's ep. will feature MOI as Ghetto Gospel and the rest try to meet my needs...and my gold-digging wannabe daugther-in-law, Kim Porter. On VH1 at 11AM EST. Check your local listings honey.

We Busy Trying to Get Donna Brazile to Comb Her Curls Out

2008-08-28T20:37:00.004-05:00

This is one stubbonr sister I tell you. Michelle told us don't let her out of the tour bus until we bust through that Lottabody. I mean Oracene's been doing the girls' hair for years, and Donna won't let her come within 5 feet of her with a comb. We may need to take more drastic measures. Stay tuned.

Get It Right, Hillary

2008-08-26T20:59:00.004-05:00

We're here in Denver on Michelle's security detail, making sure "Hill'ry" doesn't get up there and decide to talk out the side of her neck tonight, nahmean?

Oracene usually doesn't apply the muscle, but she spent some time at the Shaolin temple when she was in Beijing for the girls' Olympic matches, and took some kung fu sword lessons? So,she brought one back to assist with Michelle's security. We're also screening this scene from Crouching Tiger for HRC on continuous loop so it's good and imprinted in her mind. Otherwise Cene goes Michelle Yeoh on her azz.

North Carolina!!! Take Ya Shirt Off Twist It 'Round Ya Head Like Helicopter

2008-08-19T17:34:00.004-05:00

Yeah we here for Barack's townhall out at the fair grounds. It still smells like goats' behind out here but whatever. We rolled down to Cooper's BBQ and got a pulled pork sammich with slaw on top - thank you Jesus, plus ordered a stash for the plane. Michelle was like "this doesn't look like Lems'" but one bite and she was hooked. Oracene has some people down this way somewhere so she hipped us to the food. After the speech lets out, we are hitting Krispy Kreme before the hot doughnut sign goes out.

Watch the speech here.

I Want to Work for Diddy Week 3:: "Im Shocked and RuPauled Too."

2008-08-18T20:47:00.002-05:00

"I'm shocked and RuPauled"--Laverne, I Want to Work for Diddy

Okay this is going to be short because I gotta get back to watching the Olympics, but, all I want to know is:
How in the WORLD did a team with a DRAG QUEEN IN IT lose a fashion shoot challenge? This should have been like shooting catfish in a barrell! Lord, these children are going to work my third nerve before this is over! First she all "easy breezy beautiful Cover Girl "on some Carrie Bradshaw goes to Paris to see Alexander stuff.Then she segued to Sex and the City the Movie and took to her bed with a Snickers Bar and a fifth of Patron (okay I made the Patron part up) like when Big left Carrie standing at the altar and took to her bed and didn't wash for 4 days. .... What? Well she didn't? You know that hammer was funky...oh nevermind.

And that shifty, beady-eyed Dion child? I sent a test messaage blast to Sean: "Somethin not right about that boy, SJ." Sean woulda woke up one morning with Dion standing over his bed with a hatchet in his hand.

We Get Thrown Out of Saddleback Church

2008-08-17T11:07:00.010-05:00

Okay who didn't see this coming?

As you know the CMM is on special assignment doing security for Michelle Obama. So we been in Hawaii getting 'mahalo'd' for the last week, when we find out we head to this megachurch next for Barack's interview with Pastor Warren. I'm like okay - me, Anne, and 'Cene should be detoxed by the time we land, and of course Cissy, being saved, doesn't indulge.

So, fast forward to the interview, and we knew this was not a worship service, right? They told us in the briefing. Cissy kept asking couldn't she sing or at least lead the choir in one chorus of "Going Up Yonder" or "Call Him Up", and don't they know she sang w/Luther and the Sweet Inspirations? and they said no. So I'm like bet - we sit by Michelle and talk about how tacky some of these folk dress for church, bada bing, woompty woomp woop and we out right? Wrong.

So Barack's talking about how he joined church and found the Lord, and pardon the expression, all hell breaks loose. Cissy gets the bright idea like we are at someone's Baptist church to jump up and start singing "Thank You" by Richard Smallwood.

This is where it gets surreal.

I hear this "Glorayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" break out to my right, and I just figure its Michelle, cause ain't none of the rest of us that saved, right? No. IT'S ANNE. Ann Iverson. Ann "I'm More Gangsta Than My Gangsta Son" Iverson - gets the Holy Ghost. I look over and here she is smackin people in the face behind her flingin her arms in and out "Glorayyyyyyyyyyy Jesus!" Then she stands up and goes bucking down the aisle getting her sho' nuff praise on. I see Rick Warren whisper something into his Bluetooth, and next thing I know this strike team from Saddleback is repelling down out the ceiling with laser scopes trained on Ann's head. Meanwhile Cissy's over there oblivious...."For wakin me up this morrrrrrrrrrrning"... like they aren't getting ready to haul her behind out for inciting a riot. Guess they don't cotton to "charismatic worship" at the megachurch.

So Michelle came downstairs to the holding cell at Saddleback Booking,(In a church! don't get me started) and is shouting over Cissy "...for calming my feaaaaaaaaars...Lord I thaaaaaaaaaank you..."Michelle is trying to explain ecsctatic worship to the officers and, like didn't y'all see Barack's speech schooling y'all on black folks back in March anyway?,"...and letting me know that I'mmmmmmmmm not a looooooooooooone..." and we didn't mean any harm and no this was not a security incidient. We were released on our own recognizance to O Force One, and Cene agreed to keep fanning Anne till she comes to.

Lord I can't wait to find out what happens then. Glad I kept my hip flask of T'ray in my purse.

Kim Writes In (aka Poprah bka GhettoGospel)

2008-08-13T16:20:00.003-05:00

Dear Miss Janice: Okay, you need to fall back, ma. I hope you remember I am going to be your son's next assistant. If you don't want your Newports dipped in embalming fluid before I bring 'em to you, you'd best to quit jonin on me. One drag and you'll think you're Lt. Uhuru from Star Trek. Or I can just get lost taking you to get your lacefront re-glued and have your head looking crazier than Janelle Monae's.

As your son would say "takethat takethat takethat ha!".
Now I need to get ready for Bible study at the New Lithonia Church of the Apostolic Folding Chair so I can cuss this *&^%$ out that's head of the ursher board.

Yours in Christ,
Kim
via email: kimpoprah08 at delusionsofgrandeur dot com

Sign of the Apocalypse...

2008-08-13T16:04:00.005-05:00

Get prayed up y'all. The Kingdom of God is nigh.

P.S.This still ain't gettin you in the Celebrity Mama Mafia hammer...so stop jockin.

Hi Haters! The Queen Shuttin it Down on Crunk n Disorderly

2008-08-12T18:29:00.004-05:00

Yeah girl CnD gave the Queen some shine today. This is at one of those daggone events Sean drug me too when my feet hurt. I do look a 1000% better than Mushmouth Frankie Cole though (who's been stealing my shine over there lately.) See the rest of my candids here.

I Want To Work for Diddy Wk 2 - Albuterol Edition

2008-08-12T08:52:00.009-05:00

I'll be writing this in Kim aka Ghetto Gospel speak:

Wooohoof hoof hoof wuhhhhhhhhhhhhh hack hack hack (if fake an asthma attack) aghhhhhhhhhhh (and pull out an old weed pipe that looks like an inhaler) hack ( (I'll fool these b's again) brrrrrhackhackhack (they'll call the ambalance) ahhhhhhhhackhackhackhack(I'll get more screen time and sympathy from the judges) - HEY IT WORKED FOR MYSTERIOUS, AUBREY, wwwwwwofwoofwoofwoofaahhhhhhhhhhackk (then I can play the "They killed Jesus/MLK/Martin what do you think they'll do to you?" line that every Negro customer service rep in the world had on their screensaver back in the day.) whoooooof hoohoohoo Jesuskeepmeneardacross whoooooa I thank ya

You know who this hammer reminds me of? Jason, from MTB Season 1. (right)
The one running around screaming "DIVAS!DIVAS!"Bunch of woofing but when the rubber meets the road they can't deliver. Here's a refresher,( and I can't even receive the fact he has his own reality show coming out)

RIP, Black Moses

2008-08-10T23:23:00.005-05:00

So sad to hear this. Brings back memories...Melvin took me to that Wattstax concert when he had that vest made out of chains and honey! That deep chocolate thunder voice! Whooo chile, never be another one like him. So, I'ma light up some a this Maui hydro, contact Melvin, and put on "I Stand Accused".

RIP Isaac. We will miss you always.

Postcard from Hawaii with Michelle

2008-08-09T21:55:00.004-05:00

Yeah sugars, me and the CMM are KICKING. IT. in Hawaii while Michelle and Barack are over here on vacation. We slid on over to Maui while they're in Honolulu. Not much security for us to do really, these folks are so laid back. Plus you know what grows real good over here right? *wink-wink* Honey, me, Cene, and Anne been "Mahalo-ed" since 'bout 30 minutes after the plane landed. We hittin Jack n the Box for the turkey burgers and fries so hard we should own the place! Cissy's about to worry us to death talking about "y'all get rid of that before we head to the airport. Don't have that mess anywhere near my bag or my hatbox." like a broken record. Hmm, wonder why she's so worried about that? ( Sorry the devil got in me for a second.)

Oh well, I'll still be able to conjure up Melvin for the next episode of Sean's show next week, that's for sure.

Aloha and hang loose y'all!

Getting My Grown Woman On

2008-08-07T07:19:00.001-05:00

Notice the new Disqus comments feature I had one of my grandchildren add, and my new profile photo. Gotta step my game up always, honey.

Werk Laverne! What'd I Tell Ya Sugars?

2008-08-06T19:38:00.006-05:00

What did I tell y'all?

And this hammer listed "hostess" as her occupation on the show...whoo my soul.
As the little dude said in Paris is Burning "... a queen will pull a stunt in a minute!"

See more here and here. (NOT SUITABLE FOR THE GIG OR CHILDREN. Lil Creole Shrimp, I put the parental controls on for you.)

Photo Credit: YBF Young,Black, and Fabulous

Update: Laverne Femme Vogue Footage

2008-08-05T16:22:00.003-05:00

Here go my girl Laverne, one of Sean's contestants on IWWFD. She's in the bustier and thigh high boots. Of course, she's not better than the Queen over here, but she stormed just the same. Werk Ms. Girl.

I Want to Work for Diddy - Mama Combs Weighs In

2008-08-05T10:36:00.004-05:00

Oh yeah I'ma enjoy writing these recaps right here. I will be smoking Melvin, my late husband, up on some ser-i-ous hydro and we'll be watching this as a parental unit and reporting to y'all.

First you see our boy has home training because he featured yours truly right in the opening sequences there. I was rocking my custom Versace suit at his star on the walk of fame ceremony. Werk! Now on to the program. Basically he has 3 of his former assistants I drove crazy sending to get me cases of Newports evaluating 12 of the new potential assistants. Now don't tell this out, but you know Laverne over here is one of my homegirls from my femme vogue battles. Lord I like to hollered when I heard that basso profundo voice come out from under that Hawaiian Silky lacefront weave. Just wait till she busts out a pop, dip, and spin on em honey! Kick that loud "Ghetto Gospel" child Kim in the teeth. What?

Now, you know Kim is one of those ones who is on the show talking cash a- trash cussing folk out like this and talkin about "that b is outta here." like she done won already? And then turn around and be in the choir stand on Sunday morning with her Bible and tambourine tucked under her breast till she sing a solo and go to shouting till it takes 4 deacons and the whole tenor section to hold her. Honey please.

Now that little Red has a cute butt, Sean need to look at him for my personal assistant if nothing else. And Phil need to stay away from Justin's mac n' cheese cause he done blew up like gas prices. So stay tuned we'll see who I get to run ragged sending them down to Gladys's for my greens and ribs. Church!

Shouts to my favorite blogging boo-boo, Rich for his always fabulous VH1 recaps.

Random Rumor: Diddy Engaged To Cassie?

2008-07-24T17:35:00.000-05:00

[CRUNK + DISORDERLY] FRESH WOULD FAIL YUNG BERG’S POOL TEST » Random Rumor: Diddy Engaged To Cassie?

Y'all knew this would bring me out of O Force One (that's the Obama jet if you ain't up.)

Jesus KC JoJo and Mary this boy is gonna send me to an early grave! I got so much on my plate with Michelle Obama to guard. Plus we got worrisome ass Frankie "Crack" Cole calling me on my iPhone with her dentures out begging to join the CMM sounding like Moms Mabley and Weird Harold . "Yanith, Yanith! Mam dowm Yanith! Mam dowm!"

Why is it my child can't find a woman with a JOB? Take me now, Lord!

Ima have to go in the vault for that hydro and smoke Melvin up tonight good...

Blog Prayer Circle for Crunk and Disorderly

2008-05-28T20:18:00.003-05:00

Here at the Secret Diaries of Moi, we are asking all bloggers, vloggers, commenters, and lurkers that know the words of prayer to touch and agree tonight for Fresh and the Crunk n Disorderly blog. Evidently some devil mess has gotten in Fresh's HTML code and Halo comments, but we are not claiming that! Me and Cissy and Jonnetta are binding that up in the Name of Jesus and casting it to the pit of hell from whenst it came.( 'Cene and Ann thought they'd block the blessings since they ain't saved.)
So extend your hand towards Crunk's IP address tonight and say "God bless.(say it dammit) *God bless* Crunk and Disorderly. I command every trojan horse,virus, worm, and Ray J post to come out!" Now go get your holy oil and healin water and splatter it on your monitors. Amen. "Whoo, I feel a dance comin on!" --Shirley Caesar.

And if that Andre J. had ANYTHING to do with this, the CMM will personally be holding him down and shearing that damn beard offa him like a sheep, honey! (You know the kids will pull a stunt in a minute, don't you?)

GOP, Keep Playing with Michelle Obama, Hear?

2008-05-20T10:12:00.006-05:00

Yours truly, FJC, in my DEFCON4 gear.

Y'all must've not heard the Celebrity Mama Mafia is doing security for Michelle Obama. Now you've got Barack airing you out too.We had to go to DEFCON4 and post up in the Cumberland River (above). Keep running your yap Tennessee and the Grand Ol Opry gets shot up like Lil Richard's wig,ya heard? Cene and Ann are good shots too; they could take out Minnie Pearls hat tag from 100 yards out, honey, don't sleep. We got you stuck off the realness, honey, like Shook Ones Part 3.

Respect and big ups to Jack and Jill Politics for informing us of this. We put in a good word for you as potential press secretaries with Michelle. Can y'all play bid whist? That's a job requirement. Holla.

PS And Condoleeza or some damn body is gonna pay for my blonde NuLocks to get redone behind all this foolishness.--FJC

We Got Lebron's Mama on a Plane Out to WV

2008-05-13T06:42:00.007-05:00

"Boy I brought you in this world and I'll take you out!"AP Photo

PM Update: Fresh, we got this already baby. You know Ann's down with the Celebrity Mama Mafia.

Now this is what I'm talking about! I mean Ann hasn't bucked at one of Allen's games like this. The CMM was watching the game with Barack and Michelle last night and when Miss Gloria showed out? Whooo,we had to go out back and let a few shots off in the air to show solidarity, honey! She should land around 9, and if all goes well with her interview, we will have our newest Celebrity Mama Mafia member by sundown.

Oh, and we're fairly certain Lebron's somewhere recovering from Gloria's pump flying across the Fleet Center and cracking him upside his head. *bam!*

Guarding Michelle Obama, That's Where I Been....

2008-05-08T15:54:00.006-05:00

Well sugars...mama has been on a mission. As I alluded to in my response to Baby Gap's post, the Celebrity Mama Mafia (Cissy Houston, Ann Iverson, Oracene Price, and Jonnetta Patton) got retained as special deputies to the Secret Service guarding Soul Sister #1, Michelle Obama. That's right. You know we can handle business if something goes down- who? Now, we did have to pepper spray Ann that one debate when Hillary was talkin all out her neck to Barack, but you know how she is.

So far it's been uneventful, we haven't gotten to whoop anybody's azz yet. I got a few days' furlough to go out and see Sean get his star on the walk of fame, now I'm back serving my country again. Mostly we keep Michelle company and sit up and play bid whist with her when she and Barry travel separately. Once a week, we airlift some Harold's Chicken Shack wings and Lem's BBQ center cut slabs in from Chicago for her on my fractional ownership FlexJet. One time we picked up some chitlins and oxtails from Moo n Oink and Cissy cooked them up and Michelle like to shouted. They installed a helipad for us on top of Zimmerman's liquors so we can stock up on the CMM house liquor aka Crown Royal and Michelle can have her TnT (that's Tanqueray and Tonic for you non-Chicagoans) Oracene does Michelle's touch ups for her, so it's like a big travelling card party really.

Now we head up to West Virginia. We probably need to pick up some perm and Precon gel on the way cause Lord knows if they have any in the hills, child.

News Round Up on the Queen...

2008-04-10T16:58:00.005-05:00

"...when the Queen come to town/everything shuttin down!" Lil' Kim

Yeah hate it or love it honey folks are all on my LaPerla this week. If you can't keep up take notes, I say:

You Know, I Can't Stand Bad-A Children...

2008-04-08T19:30:00.006-05:00

But I wouldn't expect anything more from the Know-body family. I mean just look at them Stellar-Gospel-Awards-looking, Yolanda-Adams'-gay-cousin-Slidell-sewed-em outfits they turn out at the "House of Dare-in-Yall to Wear This. Exhibit A:

And you know that weddin was a gospel stage play come to life right? Down to and including Jay's lil sidekick flunky Ty-Ty playin "Jo Jo from Next Door".

I mean I got enough on me since the Celebrity Mama Mafia got retained as security detail for Michelle Obama to have to deal with Son of Chucky here. What? Y'all ain't know that? Oh shoot I gotta do another diary entry and catch y'all up...anyway....

I warn you Mini Wheat, Mee-Maw has taught Delilah and Jesse how to hold a razor blade in their pacifiers. You ain't seen a shank, Creole Shrimp.

Well Who the Hell is Playing Me?

2008-03-06T16:49:00.004-05:00

How Voletta gonna play me? My son made Biggie you hear me? My part shoulda been cast right after Sean's. And who picked this little greasy boy to play Sean anyway? This attitude is exactly why we never asked Voletta to be a part of the CMM. Her and Oracene got into it one night during our weekly Bid Whist game over how many books she had? Next thing I know Voletta shifts into speaking that Jamaican patoit that sounds like they speaking in tongues? She yelling at 'Cene something like "Bumba Clot tegareg! Fire pon dem! Come pon de replay!" Cissy thought the Rapture was coming and fell on her face asking the Lord to forgive us for playing cards and drinking T'ray. Next thing I know Cene pulled a Taser out of her purse and fired it up one time talking about I got your fire right here and we never saw Voletta again.

Anyway Voletta if ya reading this, here's my short list of people I'd like to play me:

Nia Long
Zoe Saldana
Gabrielle Union
Aisha Tyler

Pearl is my agent so you can hit him on his Blackberry for the contract negotiations. (don't ask.)

Diddy: I'm Sending Sean John Baby Clothes to Jennifer Lopez - Oscars 2008, Jennifer Lopez, Sean P. Diddy Combs : People.com

2008-02-25T16:01:00.000-05:00

This boy is gonna give me a coronary...see, these coulda been HIS twins...OH but no...you gotta go running outta the Chocolate Milk Sundays party like a scalded cat and leave the best thing that happened to you behind. Jesus, K-Ci, JoJo and Mary...

Diddy: I'm Sending Sean John Baby Clothes to Jennifer Lopez - Oscars 2008, Jennifer Lopez, Sean P. Diddy Combs : People.com

Navy Celebrity Mama Mafia Smokes Spy Satellite

2008-02-20T22:59:00.005-05:00

Boy those burners Ann bought are no joke! Navy? Hah yeah that's what they told CNN. Meanwhile Condi - yeah that Condi- called us up from over to Kenya and said "Look y'all, G-dub put me in a trick bag over here while he's passing out Malaria nets. He has plucked my LAST nerve, nahmean Jan? Can you get the Celebrity Mama Mafia to go on and murk that spy satellite for me? It'll be a little something extra in y'alls "economic stimulus checks" for your trouble if ya feel me?" Heyyyyyyyyyyyy! So, just so happened Ann had brought these Mac-10s off of Benoit Benjamin during NBA All-Star Weekend in New Orleans,right? Boom, so when Condi called, we said "Tally ho!", got the coordinates and click-clack, boo ya! Spy satellite got dropped like Star Jones' talk show.

What's all this for you ask? Well, just tryyy and get Tavis "Uncle Ruckus" Smiley's "~~Hate~~ State of the Black Union program to come in on CSPAN this weekend. Yeah that's right, Condi's getting back at G-dub for this Kenya stunt and backing Obama on the QT. Now THAT's gangsta right there!

So Sonya Norwood Calls...

2008-02-06T12:54:00.000-05:00

Brandy's mama. Seems this stank little Kardashian girl and her just-as-stank sisters ran Sonya's platinum card up. Now they're trying to play crazy like it just fell in the Neiman's cash register on it's own. So Sonya calls me while I'm getting a fill-in, wanting to know if the CMM can "intervene in the situation"? As gangster as she is? Look, she called Ann before me? Shoot, Ann got so scared she hung up and put Sonya on call block! This is the same Sonya Norwood who said if Juanya Morris of Boys II Men acted up when he was dating Brandy she'd see to it Boys II Men became trio instead of a quartet. Put it this way, there's a reason Sonya's never been extended an invite to join the CMM, ya feel me? Sistas got to have some kinda code. So me, Ann, and Oracene are gonna pray on it tonight and let Sonya know in the morning.

Even if the CMM doesn't ride, them heiffers some dead ho's walking if you asked me.

If Y'all Got Time to Clown...

2008-01-24T18:18:00.000-05:00

If y'all Crunk n Disorderly heads had put your energy into my new signature perfume instead of clowning, I'd have a name for my new fragrance by now.

Are you feeling this outfit??? « Media Outrage

2008-01-24T15:30:00.000-05:00

Are you feeling this outfit??? « Media Outrage: "Janice Combs

Okay the CMM is fin' to ride on these people. Hating on my mink shrug.
Honey shoot that's worth more than they make in a year, please. They don't
know who they're fooling with...FJC

Diddy’s momma Janice Combs showed up to the premiere of ‘A Raisin in the Sun’ at the Sundance Film Festival yesterday at the Eccles Theatre in Utah. Are you feeling her get up?"

A Movie Every Day - Me @ Sundance

2008-01-23T16:00:00.000-05:00

A Movie Every Day

Yeah honey you know mother don't miss no parties. Click on the
link above and you'll find me and my daughter stylin and profilin
at the Sundance. Thanks Scooter!

I'm On Twitter Now, Y'all!

2008-01-17T14:07:00.000-05:00

They messed around and gave me a Twitter account and feed y'all.
This way when I'm at one of my red carpet events or vogue battles, I can
hit my fans on my Sidekick and ~~talk trash about people~~ give you the 411.

Follow the queen at my Twitter feed here.

I've Decided to Get My Own Signature Perfume

2008-01-15T17:07:00.001-05:00

That's right honey. I was sitting around thinking how I could supplement my income, considering my son can't seem to stop making grandchildren like he's one of those Marley boys. Then, like Oprah says, I had my "Aw Shoot Girl!" moment! I'ma come out with a Janice Combs perfume! Take these fools back to the days of Jean Nate', Charlie, and Enjoli, honey. I mean if loud-a Kimora Lee Simmons got a perfume, Mariah Carey got one, and my almost daughter in law J-Lo got about 14 of em, well dammit "Mother" shonuff deserves one, don't you think? So I've assembled a marketing team consisting of: Miss J. Alexander aka Pearl, Naomi Campbell, Flori Roberts, Andre' Leon Talley,and Leslie Uggams, with Oracene as chairwoman, since her girls have been to fashion school and all.

So sugars, I need your help coming up with a name for my new scent. Post your suggestions in the comments section below; I'll sort them at the end of the week and post the top 3 in a contest and then I'll put it to a vote. Blonde Bombshell Silky Lacefront wig in the mail to the winner. Smooches!

CRUNK + DISORDERLY // SHOULDN'T YOU BE WORKING?

2008-01-14T15:38:00.000-05:00

CRUNK + DISORDERLY

"Kim Porter attended the Boom Boom Room's gifting suites at the Century Plaza Hotel in Century City, CA this past Saturday with one of her twin MicroDiddies. I am going to enjoy watching D'Lila Star and Jessie James grow up. From their first day of kindergarten all the way up to their first stint in rehab. Nah, on second thought I don't think Janice Combs will let her grandbabies get too loose."

Damn skippy Fresh. You won't be seeing mee-maws' little sugars acting like those wild-tail Kardashian girls. Child I'd take the belt to every last one of them...word up. Smooches, FJC

My Seanie's Ciroc Vodka Shoot

2008-01-10T17:03:00.001-05:00

Y'all know I'm feeling this all day, right?

Janet Jackson Just Trumped My Weave Game

2008-01-09T18:39:00.000-05:00

Fresh posted this today and asked us to figure out what was on Penny's
mind when she came up with this concept. Ha, like we've been able to figure out what was on her mind since she divorced James DeBarge... All I know is I sent my oldest grandson (that I know of) Justin to the wig shop to stockpile all the Hawaiian Silky they had from Auburn to Platinum just so I don't get caught short. You know good and well the hood rats and the children beat the doors down to every beauty supply house in New York City after BET premiered this, and I am not trying to be cut short at my next fem vogue battle.

Anyway, at first the it looks like low-budget to me- jumping around on some Bosu balls with baby powder shook out all over them. Then the last part looks like they are splashing around in a giant bowl of Cocoa Puffs. She must've took a shot of a bad batch of that new liquor, absinthe -aka The Green Fairy. Child that stuff is like LSD in a bottle they say. Kinda like when Melvin took me to a party at Sly Stone's house and I got hold of a bad bag of weed and honey next thing you know, I thought I was Grandma Bear from the Warner Brothers cartoon. Hell, it coulda been laced with toilet bowl cleaner at Sly's house for all I knew. But getting back to Janet, the Green Fairy probably was working with her and then thought she was Catwoman jumping around on exercise balls with baby powder and voila - video concept.

The Janice Combs Soul Revue Christmas!

2007-12-18T16:45:00.000-05:00

In memory of Ike Turner, and because I need some cash, I'm putting on the Janice Combs Soul Revue at the Roseland ballroom, Saturday, Dec. 22, 2007, from 8 - until. Full band and show. Sponsored by Kool Cigarettes and Daniel Green lame' house shoes. Tickets available at all Sally Beauty Supply, Hi-Lites, Dr. Jays, and Sylvia's Soul Food locations. First 50 ladies in the door get a coupon for 50% off a pack of the new Salt n Pepa Weave Hair. First 10 men with boat captain hats on get a 10% discount on a curl re-rodding at Uniquely Yours Salon. Ohh this is gonna be a wang dang doodle!

Here's the lineup:

Welcome and Invocation: Cissy Houston of the Celebrity Mama Mafia.

Soulja Boy Routine: Ann Iverson of the Celebrity Mama Mafia. (don't ask)

Nellie Travis singing her monster hit "If I Back It Up (Watcha Gon' Do?)"

Theodis Ealy singing his hit single "Stand Up In It" and Stand Up In It Pt. 2"

Marvin Cease singing "Candy Licker"

Barbara LeShoure

Big Time Sarah and the BTS Express

and headlining the show...

Bobby Blue Bland.

See This Is Why I Fired Remy Ma and Disbanded My Group

2007-12-06T17:42:00.000-05:00

See here. And Fresh didn't give me a shout-out,name check, link love or nothing. Shoot I was just rocking my first Star Jones platinum illusion wig in '05. I made Remy aka Lady and the Tramp, what she is. And Lil Kim....in the words of Rakim, "remember me, the one you got your whole style from?" Shoot I been rockin platinum blonde since Peggy Lee came out back in the day singin' Fever, honey!

Anyway that shot was taken after I had to fem vogue battle those 2 youngin's. I put them up on game like Aretha to Fantasia honey. Watch me burn this floor up like the Santa Ana winds chile! That's Sean in the tank top; he werked huh?

With My Deepest Sympathy

2007-11-12T19:58:00.000-05:00

FJC needs to be serious today. A true lady and celebrity mama has passed away, Dr. Donda West, mother of Kanye West. My heart goes out to Kanye and the entire West family at this time.

"The Lord is nigh unto them that are broken hearted..." Psalm 34

"I Beat That Bitch With a Bat": Celeb realtor's assistant confesses to murder -- amNY.com

2007-11-09T20:29:00.000-05:00

AP Photo/Andy Kropa

(A Fake Janice News Update)

See this is why I didn't want Sean to have an assistant.

God bless the dead, but you know gotdamwell ain't no sista worth her touch up gonna put up with being amped on and getting shotguns blown in her face if ol' girl wasn't gonna "puff puff give" behind it. Psssh...no wonder she put ol girl on the beatdown! That was some straight Celebrity Mama Mafia action girl; I like that in ya! What Natavia had to the police is here.

Back to Sean. When all that Combs starts coming out in him....(what? you don't think he gets being ostentatious from my side do you?) Look out. I'm just saying...And Sean watch your back boy.

C eleb realtor's assistant confesses to murder -- amNY.com: "The personal assistant did it, cops say. The mystery surrounding the penthouse murder of celebrity realtor Linda Stein was solved yesterday, police sources said, when her personal assistant implicated herself in the Upper East Side murder, telling detectives she was tired of constantly being yelled at and reprimanded. The assistant, Natavia Lowery, 26, of Williamsburg was arrested early today and will be charged with second-degree murder in the Oct. 30 slaying of Stein, 62. Stein first made her mark as a punk rock pioneer, then switched gears and made millions selling high-end real eastate as the so-called 'Realtor to the Stars.' During a press conference today, Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly said Lowery told detectives that Stein was 'verbally abusive' to her the day of the murder, using profanity and derogatory language. She also said Stein blew marijuana smoke in her face before she snapped and hit Stein six or seven times with a yoga stick, Kelly said.Stein, known for both her caring ways and her tempestuouus personality, was a demanding boss, "too demanding," Lowery said, according to one source.

"She was constantly yelling at me,'' one source quoted Lowery as saying. "She basically said Stein wouldn't stop and that she couldn't take it anymore."

The fatal confrontation, police said, took place the afternoon of Oct. 30, when Lowery showed up at Stein's Fifth Avenue home, a penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park.

Mandy Stein found her mother dead in a pool of blood in her Fifth Avenue apartment, overlooking Central Park, the night of Oct. 30.

Lowery is scheduled to be arraigned later today.

Police at first believed Stein, a cancer survivor, fell and banged her head and that the blood thinner medication she took explained the amount of blood.

An autopsy the next day, however, concluded that she had been murdered, beaten about the back of her head and neck with a blunt object.

Given the relatively tight security at the building, detectives almost immediately zeroed in building workers and those closest to her family, friends and colleagues."

Diddy Announces New Assistant on Oprah - TV News, Oprah Winfrey, Sean P. Diddy Combs : People.com

2007-11-07T11:04:00.000-05:00

PHOTO BY GEORGE BURNS, HARPO STUDIOS INC.

Lord let's see how long it is before I have to click-clack on this child...FJC

As part of Oprah Winfrey's YouTube-themed show, Sean "Diddy" Combs – who has been running a contest online to find a new personal assistant – made his choice on the program Tuesday.

With the three finalists sitting in the front row and Winfrey to his left, Diddy chose lawyer Heather Thompson.

"It was just a passion, it was the way she articulated herself," the 38-year-old hip-hop mogul explained of why he picked Thompson. "I think [she] understood what the job entailed. She had a background that was stellar. It was just the way she came across."

Winfrey, a self-described "YouTube virgin," made up for lost time, devoting her hour-long talk show to celebrating the video-sharing site – with a little help from the music mogul, Patrick Swayze and a skateboarding bulldog.

Honey I've Been Out Chasing Irv Gotti's Daddy...

2007-11-01T14:34:00.000-05:00

Whoo ever since I saw "Gotti's Way" on VH1, I said that is a maaaaan right there! Ain't he fine? Kinda reminds you of Marlon Brando in the Godfather huh? Plus Irv is "ghetto divorced" from his wife, and she seems like a nice young lady that might be good for Sean. Hey a double wedding! Say WHAT, honey!

I was hiding under the bleachers when they showed him coming to Irv's son's football game; you gotta walk down to get em all ;-) I'll keep you posted.

Janice Combs Revived! - And You Were There, and You, and You Too Melvin

2007-10-09T20:28:00.001-05:00

Whoo chile! I feel like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz after she came back from that bad bag of weed she got from the Scarecrow. ( Except I never get as tore down as that hammer used to in real life.)Honey either I blacked out after finding out I got a SIXTH grandbaby, or Ann got her stash mixed up with Allen's purple haze last time we blazed one. What happened y'all? Why is Pearl dressed like a crackhead Julia? And why is my forehead all greasy?

I'm a have to call down to Kingston and ask Rita Marley and ask her how she deals with all those exponential grandchildren...

Diddy Admits 6th Child -Janice Combs Unconcious

2007-10-08T14:59:00.001-05:00

*Anyway, I'm talking to y'all via my late husband Melvin channeling for me while I'm about to cross the River into the Promised Land behind my son AGAIN. Jonetta and Ann are trying to get the portable defibrillator down off the wall looking like a black Lucy and Ethel. Cissy keeps putting oil on my forehead and palms and speaking in tounges. Don't mean to sound blasphemous, but I hope it doesn't make my lace front glue work a-loose. If Ann cuts this Valentino silk blouse down the middle to shock me Ima come back just to slap her. This ain't ER!*

*Why did I fall out? This. Christmas at Mee-maw's gonna look like UFC this year, cage and all. *

Pearl's New Wig

2007-10-03T15:55:00.000-05:00

I see Pearl is sporting the"Effie Goes to the Welfare Office" wig from the Dreamgirls collection this season on ANTM...

Fresh: We Have LaMichael

2007-09-20T12:33:00.000-05:00

Saw your little signifying comment today Miss Fresh. Just for that, the CMM has your precious Norwegian nooky-nook with us on our speedboat headed to an undisclosed location.

We'll be sending you another message once we arrive and un-duct tape him as to what we want in ransom. Mmmm ain't it funky now?

Sean Done Showed His Behind w/ MTV; Time to Smoke Melvin Up

2007-09-13T10:56:00.000-05:00

So Fresh tells me my son decided to show his natural behind yet again and make some freak nasty commercial for his new perfume. Look at this nasty mess.

All it is is a big stunt to try and get JLo back. You see how he always got Latinas in his videos now playing the female role? I'm all for that, given her net worth and all, but I didn't raise him to make no BET Uncut mess. So I had to go into my Smoke Den to have a talk with his late father, Melvin. Sparked up the 'haze we confiscated off Lauryn Hill, and here he comes like the 5:15 train, right on time.

Melvin: Hey sugar, what's going on?
FJC: Your seed, that's whats going on.
Melvin: What now, the little choreographer girl beat him up again?
FJC: No Melvin that was last time we smoked, er, talked.
Melvin: What then?
FJC: Oh he has showed his behind and embarrassed the family making nasty R-rated TV commercials for some perfume. They tell me he got his hand up this Puerto Rican girl's skirt and everything, Lord have mercy.
Melvin: Heh,heh,heh...that's my boy!
FJC: MELVIN! Will you stay on track with me here? This is a parenting issue!
Melvin: Ok,ok, sugar, but I thought you wanted him to get back with J.Lo.
FJC: Dammit Melvin it ain't JLo in the commercial, I wouldn't waste good weed and conjure you up for that.
Melvin: Oh yeah. Well, what you want me to do this time to straighten him out?
FJC: The belt?
Melvin: Janice....
FJC: Ok,ok it was a thought.
Melvin: I got it!!!! I'm gonna float down into Andre Harrell's bedroom tonight, slip him an Ambien, and take him and slip him into Sean's bed!
FJC: *chuckling* You ain't right Melvin Ivory Combs, but that's a good one!
Melvin: Lord we'll hear Sean screaming over in St. Tropez. He won't know what happened!
FJC: Whoo I gotta spark me another one behind this....you are good baby!
Melvin: Nothing but the best for my sugar! *POOF*

Then I put on "Sunshine" by Roy Ayers and rolled another spliff, satisfied my son will soon see the errors of his ways now.

Oh and the Robbers Won't Be A Problem Anymore

2007-09-07T20:56:00.000-05:00

They won't be showing up to trial either. Had a little car trouble.

In the words of Andre3000, "Now who else wanna *&^%v with Hollywood Court?"

So the Celebrity Mama Mafia Secured Butta's Place Today

2007-09-07T20:51:00.000-05:00

Cissy's still got the helicopter hovering PG County. That's me and Ann repelling down to the backyard. Won't be no more trouble girl. Butta had trouble with some no-home-training-having children trying to break in her place. Guess they mama ain't heard of throwing a shoe like me? No matter. We got the perimeter secured now. Runtelldat.

I Won! I Shut the Black Weblog Awards DOWN Honey!

2007-09-05T20:00:00.000-05:00

Wipe Me Down, Honey!

First giving honor to God, who is the head of my life, thank you. Even though some of y'all think I don't know the Lord sometimes - He knows my heart. I want to thank to Karsh and all the fine folks at the Black Web Log awards for this honor. I'd like to give a huge thanks to my sista-friends in the blogosphere, Butta of VIBE Confidential and Butta On... and Miss Fresh at Crunk n Disorderly. I want to thank the Celebrity Mama Mafia - Cissy, Ann, Oracene, and Jonettafor giving me plenty material to write about. I want to thank my son for putting Kim Porter out. I want to thank the grandchildren I know about.

Most of all thanks to all the FOFJs (Friends of Fake Janice) for your votes and continued support. Thanks for letting me share my glamorous life with you. As always, smooches --FJC, 2007 Best Fiction Blog Stunna, er, Winner!

Kim Porter Watch: Get Thee Behind Me Satan!

2007-09-05T13:41:00.001-05:00

CMM has been holding a prayer vigil out at Cissy's place so we could bind up this devil mess Fresh posted at lunchtime. That's a good look to let us know Fresh; the devil is always busy!
(We even got Lauryn to snap out of it and sing Sister Act 2 for us. ) Here's a shot of us at about 1:00 when we were all slain in the spirit, except for Ann who stepped out on the Lord to have a cigarette.

Diddy's White Party: You Must Not Know 'Bout Me!

2007-09-04T15:58:00.000-05:00

Yes the queen served it up fierce as usual for Sean's white party. To the haters: Dont' hate, congratulate - where is YOUR son on the Forbes hip-hop cash kings list, okay?

So I took my MaxJet helicopter up with Jonetta to take her mind off that pet adoption ceremony in Atlanta. (yeah I said it.) Oracene was able to stop out since she's in town for Venus and Serena at the US Open. She asked if she could bring Richard and I said no because 1) She know she and Richard been divorced so I knew that was just the Crown Royal talking, and 2) When they were together and she did bring him, he ran everybody out the cabana pootin' every 10 seconds and taking his partial plate out. So no, and hell to the naw to that on both counts. (Sorry Cissy).

Lord we had a good time! Me and Andre Harrell (right,fierce)
did the Aunt Jackie for about 6 records, but,err, ahem, I told him he'd have to vogue by himself, cause I don't do the Dramatic Va-Jay-Jay category. After about 4-5 Ciroc vodkas, I took the mic for my annual rendition of "Rock Me Again and Again and Again and Again and Again" by Lyn Collins...tore it up too..."rock me baby make mah face get soakin wet-AH/rock me Lawd baby/'bout to work me ta DEATH!"

They said that 'Cene and Jonetta joined me on stage and we sang "When Will I See You Again" by the Three Degrees? But I was into my 6th Circoc so I don't remember nothin after I started slow-draggin with Busta Rhymes...I guess that's why I got a FlipMode medallion imprint on my chest.

Anyway more later, I'ma go take my Goody's headache powders and lay back down.

Lauryn Hill Watch Day 5: Pearl from 227 to the Rescue!

2007-08-31T11:33:00.000-05:00

I wasn't real wild about this idea, but if it keeps Kim Porter's ANTM job, okay.

Jonetta and Oracene figured maybe Pearl from 227 came down she could talk some fashion sense into Lauryn and set a good style example. Yeah. So Pearl agreed to undergo a makeover in front of L-Boogie here at the compound to kind of get her warm to the idea. Here I caught it all on my camera phone for ya:

Not exactly Lola Falana, but... anywho...

Finally Lauryn starts talking about well maybe dying her hair back to its natural black for starters, which was a major breakthrough, considering. So we all sit in the floor in a circle cross-legged and say our positive affirmations to each other. (This was Cissy's idea; I voted for just whooping some sense into the child with our purses every day till she caved, but I got overruled.)

All of a sudden, something tells me to pick my head up right? So, I cast a Fresh Crunktastical side eye to my right and notice Miss. J and Ann are missing. This can only mean two things -- Sticky and Icky. Ann does get the best supply on the east coast. Turns out Pearl had snuck the whole panel from ANTM into the compound, and were all back there blazing up! Shoot, doesn't she know this is what Lauryn got in this situation in the first place!!? I mean I beam up every now and again, but not in front of our protege'! Next thing I know, Pearl comes out the back room (eyes red as his pumps) with the rest of the ANTM panel - and she thinks she's on ANTM for real, talking pure T. crazy!Caught it on my camera phone too:

Needless to say this set things back with L-Boogie a good week. Pray for us, y'all.

Sean's Engaged to Beyonce!

2007-08-29T14:09:00.001-05:00

Fresh over at CnD just made my day! God's gonna bless you with a marriage to LaMichael for this Fresh!

Sean has finally found a young lady with some class and some money to be his wife. In Vegas too? Heyyyyyyyy!

(Now if we can just keep Tina Know-body from meddling. Y'all remember when me and mama Tina we went head-up over at Bossip awhile back.)

We're Bringing Lauryn Hill In...

2007-08-27T16:55:00.000-05:00

We got her.

We added a new charitable arm to the Celebrity Mama Mafia, "CMM Cares". Cissy's been on us to do some kind of community service, give back and all that. So Ann Iverson said one person who'd been on her heart that clearly needs help was Lauryn Hill-- on account of she's been looking like the illegitimate love child of Lisa Bonet and Clarabelle the Clown lately? We still had our ninja gear from Operation Ex-Girlfriend, and the cigarette boat tied up somewhere on the Hudson, so we hatched a plan and rolled out.

We ambushed L-Boogie backstage after her Amsterdam show; Ann and 'Cene took her weed stash out of her clown jacket and we, uh, "disposed" of it on the trip back across the Atlantic.
We wiped Lauryn's makeup off with the emergency kit the MAC folks donated, hog tied her and stowed her in the hatch below the wheel house (pictured above. ) She's in an undisclosed location undergoing detox with CMM round the clock. Think of this as "Sister Act 3"- stay tuned.

Click Here to Vote for The Secret Diaries of Janice Combs for Best Fiction Blog

Look Who'll Be Washing My Car This Year - Making the Band 4

2007-08-27T14:38:00.001-05:00

Oh yeah. Sean has it in their contract. Diggety Kurls had to to it, and so did that first ragtag bunch of hoodlums he threw together-- until that West Indian boy went to jail. I didn't want him or that poster-child-for-skanky Babs anywhere near my new Porsche Cayman, gettin Zuri weave hair in the carpet or rooking my Harmon-Kardon system.

Mama's Baby Brings Raisin in the Sun to ABC

2007-08-22T16:03:00.000-05:00

Shouts to my homegirl Butta over at VIBE Confidential for letting the world know about this. Seanie is going to reprise his Broadway role for TV next year in 'A Raisin in the Sun". I just hope the prop master does a better job paying attention to details. When Sean did "Monster's Ball" they had his nails buffed and polished clear in prison when he was supposed to be on death row. Mistake,mistake, mistake. Mamas notice things like that.

Kim Catrall! Happy Birthday Miss Pimpin!!!

2007-08-21T08:29:00.000-05:00

Honey will there ever be another high class ho that put it down like Kim Cattrall's character, Samantha Jones of Sex and the City? She is an official FOCMM (friend of the Celebrity Mama Mafia) Me and my son, Diddy, got to know "Miss Pimpin" when she flew down and hung out with us on his yacht one Christmas in St. Barts and Anguilla. Whooo chile, I'm still recovering from that party! Talk about Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas! ;-) We had us a couple of BVI hotties and all hands were ON DECK honey. But lemme stop. What happens in St Barts......

So, Happy Birthday Miss Kim Cattrall! Holding it down and representing for the Cougars, strong! The CMM will be by tonight at 9 to scoop you and roll to Bungalow 8 for some Kettel One martinis.

So Pearl from 227(Miss J.Alexander) Stops By...

2007-08-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

And at first I didn't recognize her when I answered the door right? It went something like this:

FJC: Merry Maids only comes on Wednesdays, did you forget your dust mop or something?

Pearl: No Miss It, I came to pick a bone with you!

FJC: Oh Pearl! You got out of the window sill! What's up?

Pearl: Look heifer I heard what you said about me in your little Operation Ex-girlfriend post the other day, tryna be cute. Fresh over at Crunk n Disorderly dropped a dime on you.

FJC: Yeah. And? Me and Fresh go back like dolla movies and Tahitian Treat. If you'd just bump your ends under we wouldn't be having this conversation!

Pearl: And? I got your AND. AND is.... I didn't appreciate it NOR do I appreciate you calling me Pearl!

FJC: (Really in "instigate mode" cause I don't care.) Who you gonna call? Andre Leon Talley? So he can over here to beat me down with his mink Fendi bag? Whoooooo I'm shook girl!!!! I saw y'all call him on Kimora's reality show begging for clothes. Big help you were.

Pearl: Honey, no I am not getting any blood on these Imitation of Christ jeans fooling with you. There's only one way to settle this.....

So we headed down from the penthouse to my favorite ballroom for a dramatic queen vogue battle, where I proceeded to serve, eat, and wash Pearl away like Tsunami. That's me in the white t-shirt and Gucci sneakers. Note how Pearl dug out one of her old dusty drag wigs from the Baton in Chicago for the battle...taaaa-cky!

Black Weblog Awards: I'm a Finalist!

2007-08-16T13:43:00.000-05:00

Hello FOFJ (Friends of Fake Janice)!

I'm happy to announce I am a FINALIST in the 2007 Black Weblog Awards, in the Best Fiction Blog category. The FOFJ really came through for me; thank you all so much for showing love.

Now, its time to get to clicking and VOTE for Ma-Ma to WIN in the Best Fiction blog category. Go here and remember to put my URL in the ballot, not the blog name, okay babies? To vote now click here.

Oh and here's the clip of me when the Academy of Black Weblog Arts and Sciences came over to tell me I made the finals. They come over to notify you with a camera crew like Publisher's Clearing House to capture your reaction.

Diddy Producing Biggie Biopic; Janice Combs to Play Faith Evans

2007-08-14T23:11:00.000-05:00

Seanie-poo is making a movie about Biggie, and I'm auditioning for the Faith Evans role! Sean said if I don't get it, I can play myself, but I really think I could do Faith. I even got a faux "Biggie" tattoo in a heart on my cleavage like Faith does, so I can change it to read "Big Fay" like she did after they separated.
I've been studying under Lonnette McKee for the past 2 weeks. I'll keep y'all posted on how I do.

PS PS PS
Don't forget, tomorrow is the LAST DAY to nominate Ma-ma for a Black Weblog award.
See the link in the top right column to nominate me. Act like you know.

Mission Accomplished - Operation Ex-Girlfriend

2007-08-09T18:22:00.000-05:00

Picture speaks for itself. She saw things our way....eventually. (Look at her nose.) Jonetta got some frustration with Tameka Ghetto out on Miss Kim. She gonna work out fine in the CMM. Suffice it to say we made Kim Porter an offer she can't refuse. If you've seen Bourne Ultimatum and those waterboarding flashback scenes?, you get the idea. Oracene got off on that, guess its like a shampoo bowl for her I don't know.

Now, the mystery operative on the boat with us? None other than Queen of the Lacefront Weaves, Miss Tyra Banks. What's the deal? Well, after *ahem* persuading Kim to drop this crazy child support talk, Tyra was on hand to force into - err- offer Kim a job as a celebrity judge on the next cycle of America's Next Top Model (or ANTM as my boy fourfour would say.)

Kim had nerve to say ok if she didn't have to sit next to Pearl from 227 aka Miss J. Alexander. ==========>
Editor's Note: Sorry JJ Pookykins but you KNOW that head of yours be lookin' like you mop floors at the hospital on 11-7 shift. Word to the mother.

Anyway so at this point Tyra was tired of hearing Kim snot and cry so she said ok she'd move Miss J down next to Nigel. Deal done, over and out. She'll find her way home eventually. We dumped our guns, black hoods, etc in an undisclosed location and rolled out. Mission accomplished.

2007 Black Weblogs Awards Vote Fake Janice!

2007-08-06T20:03:00.001-05:00

Okay babies , y'all know what to do. Click here to nominate me for the Black Weblog Awards!
...or it'll be hell to pay, trust. *Flips weave* And I'm out. --FJC

So Amy Winehouse Stops By...

2007-08-02T22:44:00.000-05:00

Yes that Amy Winehouse, or Witchy-Poo as I call her, stopped by the penthouse. We hung out when I was in London for the Diana concert. She's still here. Matter of fact....hold on y'all...WITCHY-POO! HEY! WITCHY! GIRL GIT YOUR GOTDAM HANDS OFF MY E&J!......(more later JanFans gotta go).

Recovering From Johnetta Patton's Initiation

2007-07-31T12:29:00.001-05:00

Whoo chile! I am BEAT UP yet again. We had Johnetta's Celebrity Mama Mafia initiation fish fry Saturday night and oh Lord. The sistas can get down, but we can't get UP like we used to, ya feel me? Ann threw her back out trying to remember how to do the Funky Four Corners. And the sorry Dramatics only sang "In the Rain", "Shake It Well", and "Whatcha See Is Whatcha Get", then sat down in the pit couch and went sound asleep. So much for slow-dragging. Now we gotta regroup for our secret mission. I'll be back when we've all recovered.

Usher and Tameka's Wedding Cancelled; Johnetta Joins Celebrity Mama Mafia

2007-07-28T19:08:00.000-05:00

UPDATE HERE.

Go 'head ON Johnetta! Girl you are a celebrity mama after my own heart! Any mama that can stop a wedding between their son and Tameka "Mrs. Robinson" Foster, after how that hooker has showed off lately? Shoot honey, that's automatic membership in the CMM! I heard she took the belt out her purse and went to tearin' Usher's behind UP! This almost tops my last stunt.

Me, Oracene, Ann, and Cissy are frying some catfish tonight at Cissy's place in Jersey for Johnetta to welcome her to the fold. We ordered up plenty of Crown Royal, fresh decks of cards for bid whist, and I got all my Lattimore and Tyrone Davis records so we can cut a rug. Cissy knows The Dramatics, so we invited them over to 2-step with us.

Y'all comment and leave Johnetta some shout outs and welcome her in right OK?

Operation Ex-Girlfriend is Underway

2007-07-24T13:33:00.001-05:00

Y'all know CMM is hatching a plan to handle this Kim Porter child support situation right? Here we are doing a dry run on the Hudson River. That's Ann (Iverson) gangsta leaning on the gun turret in the back, Cissy steering the boat, me with the red bracelet and scarf up front, and 'Cene behind me with the AK. Over my left shoulder is our 'secret weapon operative. I'll reveal her identity when the time is right. Oh yeah we 'bout to bring it.

Making the Band 4 is Gonna Be Difficult to Watch Tonight

2007-07-23T19:00:00.000-05:00

Well tonight is when the world gets to see my son show his natural behind slapping that sweet little Laurie Ann. Don't worry, I already tightened my son up, with help from his dead father and some purple haze. I may just have to spark another L so Melvin can beam down and I don't have to watch this alone.

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Sing Baby! That's Mama's BABY Right There!

2007-07-20T13:17:00.000-05:00

Watch Seanie-Poo's new video Through the Pain (She Told Me) here.
That's my Carerra he's riding in; do you love it? I had the red seats put in
custom to match my Guiseppe stilletto sandals. SANG honey.

Kim Porter Laughing Straight To The Bank

2007-07-19T10:37:00.001-05:00

Okay I can see this ain't over yet. When the Lord gives you your breakthrough, the enemy tries to come in and destroy it sometimes.

Anwya, I'm convening a covert meeting of the Celebrity Mama Mafia today handle this, and inviting a secret special guest from the modeling world. You'll find out who later.

Thanks to A Hot Mess for letting a sista know about this. Ash blonde lace-front Fake Janice model wig is in the mail to you.

I hope we get this straightened out before the Source Awards.

Remy Ma Arrested; Kicked Out of HBIC

2007-07-16T09:01:00.000-05:00

"VIP Section/and the bouncers don't check us/and we/walk around them metal detectors"--Remy Ma, Lean Back

Not no more, hammer.

Effective immediately, HBIC is disbanded. I don't have time to be dealing with gangster children shootin' to be shootin'. This plus that "Lady and the Tramp" hairstyle Remy persists in wearing have worked my last nerve.

The 'Weave n Bleach' tour is also cancelled. Thank you. --Janice Combs Publishing, FJC-President.

globeandmail.com: Rapper Remy Ma arrested over shooting: "Rapper Remy Ma arrested over shooting

AP

July 16, 2007

New York -- Grammy-nominated rapper Remy Ma is promoted on her website as an up-from-the-streets artist who escaped the hard-knock life of the Bronx to become a hip-hop star.

Now Remy Ma, whose real name is Remy Smith, has been arrested on a charge of attempted murder over a shooting outside a nightclub in a posh Manhattan neighbourhood, police said Saturday.

She had been sought for questioning in the shooting of a 23-year-old woman early Saturday after a verbal dispute near Pizza Bar.

She reported to police with her attorney and was also charged with assault and criminal possession of a weapon, police said.

The victim, Makeda Barnes-Joseph, was listed in stable condition at St. Vincent's Hospital.

Let's Clear Up This Queen Latifah Business ...

2007-07-12T12:31:00.000-05:00

Ok y'all have had ya'll fun with this "Queen Latifah wig at the Hairspray premiere" jone.

No, I didn't give Queen my wig. Homegirl makes way more bank than I do, and she can have her own wig factory if she wants to. I knew her mama back when she first started rapping in high school, and Sean was starting at Uptown.

Kim Porter and Diddy Break Up

2007-07-10T09:55:00.000-05:00

Me after getting the news Sunday.

(You all know how long I've been scheming, umm I mean, fasting and praying to get Kim Porter out and get Jennifer Lopez back in.)

Kim and Diddy Breakup Updates:
Operation Ex-Girlfriend is Underway
Mission Accomplished

Concert for Diana and Wimbledon - Cheers Sugar!

2007-07-02T10:59:00.000-05:00

(photo courtesy of Fresh@ Crunk n Disorderly)

Honey, I had no idea Queen Elizabeth was such a hoot! Turns out she likes tequila, so Liz and I were knocking back some T n T as they call it (Tanqueray and Tonic) since I had some i my purse while watching my Seanie-poo perform "I'll Be Missing You" at the Concert for Diana in the box. (Shoot, I wasn't paying no 6 pounds for a beer or whatever it was!) So put it this way: the royal family knows how to 'lean wit it rock wit it now'.

So then I scooted back up to 'Cene and them at Wimbledon for Venus' match. (I'm live blogging on my Dwayne Wade Sidekick) This damn rain came up again! So it's a turban day for me ;I'm tired of fooling with this wig, plus I'm hung over from drinking shots with Queen Elizabeth. 'Cene is pissed b/cRichard is here and keeps standing up pointing at the storm clouds like he's Al Roker. We can see, hell!!! Ooops well Serena's match is suspended because of rain; I'm heading to my hotel to crash and then to Harrod's for some shopping. More later. Cheers babies!

Diddy Still Cheating With Impunity; Thank Ya JESUS!

2007-06-28T19:30:00.000-05:00

Shouts out to Parting Shots for helping me in my mission to get that freeloader Kim Porter out my son's house. I'm not too familiar with this Claudia Jordan, but it looks like she's got a job, so that gets her big props in my book. This will get more mileage than him messing around with Sienna Miller, trust. --FJC

I would say that Kim Porter will be devastated when she sees these incriminating pictures of her man and BET and Deal or No Deal’s Claudia Jordan, but we all know her ass doesn’t care.

The poor man’s Jay and Bey duet. [Vibe]

The GOP’s thrilled that Katrina got rid of so many of Louisiana’s blacks; now they have a better chance of taking over the state. Is this what they mean by compassionate conservatism? [S&R]

Tyrese wants to ban all men from TGT concerts, because one time when he took off his shirt on stage and threw it into the audience, a gay man caught it. Now we know that neither of the T’s in the group name stands for tolerance. [O1LT]

I can’t figure out which is worse, when Michael Jackson makes his kids walk around with sheer scarves over their heads or when he dresses them up like the Phantom of the Opera. [SR]

2007 BET Awards: I Put Prince on the Beatdown

2007-06-28T12:56:00.000-05:00

I had to go fight Prince's ass y'all. Right before the BET Awards.

No you didn't hear about it because everyone was all caught up with the T.I. and Chaka Zulu throwdown, so I stayed under the radar. WERK!

Prince was supposed to pop up halfway through as the surprise guest and start singing "Erotic City" since Sean used that sample for the" Last Night" remix? Then here he comes at the 9th hour talking about the "energy isn't right." I said look boy, that game worked when you were wearin' lace over ya eyes singin' 'bout "Thieves in the Temple" or some gypsy mess, but this is 2007! Honey I stomped his lil' tail out like I was at one of my fem vogue battles - "boo-yaka boo-yaka boo-yaka HA!"

Then me and Cissy (Houston, of the CMM) snatched his lil' button pants and boots off him so Keyshia would have somethin' to wear since she'd be standing in for him and it was too late to change the set. I had to tell Cissy we were bukin' the devil out of him to get her to help, so Lord forgive me.

Once we got the costume to the auditorium and sprayed it down with Febreeze just in case, Sean had to get Keyshia to take her weave out. This was no small feat, and I can understand. I think he promised her she can sing a hook on the next Danity Kane album (wait on it honey) to get her to go for it.

Now I'm getting my attorney, Billy Martin, to see what we can do to cut off Prince's royalty payments for his part of the song.

Take that you little Purple Mini-Wheat. You don't disappoint my Seanie-poo and get away with it!

Oh and here's the performance. That's me at 1:26 playing the air violin in the back middle row. I had to be in disguise in case Prince ran up in his boxer-briefs and tried to jack the show.

Who Looked More Banging??? Tina Knowles vs. Janice Combs

2007-06-21T09:46:00.000-05:00

NOTE FROM THE QUEEN: Can you believe BOSSIP would even QUESTION who brought it last night? Please. . Tina Know-body looked like she was singing in the 100 Women in Red choir at church. Hmmmph.

Tina Knowles and Janice Combs attended the Lorraine Schwartz ‘Monkey Collection’ launch event in NYC last night. Janice Comb’s wig game is improving a “bit”.

We must ask, WHO LOOKED MORE BANGIN?

Making the Gottdam Band 4

2007-06-18T17:13:00.000-05:00

Y'all form a blog circle and pray for me.

Why do we have to do this stupid show again? I ain't pickin' up NO food to take to these children like I did w/Babs 'nem in Season 2 either Sean John, you hear me? I do'nt know where Sean got that hard-head from; he had New Edition signed but noooooooo. I'm glad I went to Re-Re's revival this weekend so I could get prayed up. I'm cutting the ringer off on my Sidekick tonight.

Update: Look Who'll Be Washing My Car This Year- Making the Band 4

Vogue Battle: I WERKED During the NBA Finals Y'all

2007-06-17T18:37:00.000-05:00

I always make it my business to catch a vogue battle out of town, just to let these other hammers know who runs it. So, when I was in Cleveland for the NBA Finals, someone told me about a ball in the banquet room at Hot Sauce Williams' after the game. That's me in the yellow top, washing that chick away like Lake Erie, honey!

So I Had to Bring In Betty Wright to Help HBIC

2007-06-14T14:30:00.001-05:00

Let's just say the girls' first day in the studio was...... rough.

So, I had to get real and call my girl, Betty Wright.

What?

Oh you don't think Seanie just had her on speed dial for Diggity Kreme or whatever those
girls are called from MTV, do you? Honey, I been knowin' Betty Jane since the 'Clean Up Woman' days. My late husband,Melvin, used to be part-owner of a club down in Miami, where Betty Jane is from. She performed Clean Up Woman there live when it first came out. So when I saw Diggity Dank was, ahem, having a little trouble hittin the notes, I told Sean he needed to go to the master and call Betty. Stat. So whoompty whoomp whoomp and Betty and her drumsticks are on MTV.

Betty starts fussing,"Janice Fay! I do not do that rap crap. What do you want me for?" I told her, " Look 'Jane, just bring them drum sticks of yours, cause these hammers are clowning in the studio and wasting my session money. If they get off beat, boom!, you hit a splash cymbal cross their heads." So Betty Jane's on her way down here to the studio now, since I promised her she could come to the Celebrity Mama Mafia's Bid Whist night. Remy, Jackie, and Shawnna ain't ready...ESPECIALLY Remy. Thanks for the spy photo Fresh; now I know why she was late to rehearsal, flashin her ta-tas round the Musiq concert for nothin. That boy can't see a damn thing. These children have no sense of focus...

Well I've Got the Girls, HBIC, in the Studio

2007-06-12T20:19:00.000-05:00

I wanted to wait 'till Sean's album had time on the market and a few singles. Jackie O. (left) keeps pootin in the booth and Remy and Shawnna get pissed with her, but other than that it's going well so far. We've got about 4-5 tracks cut. Stay tuned for a track list and sneak peak at our first single.

PS: Check THIS out...Ann has a guest spot on one of the tracks!

Tinsley Mortimer Loves Danity Kane, Gets No Love From Diddy - New York Magazine's Daily Intelligencer

2007-06-06T10:42:00.000-05:00

Tinsley Mortimer Loves Danity Kane, Gets No Love From Diddy - New York Magazine's Daily Intelligencer

Who is this hooker, Tinsley Mortimer?

Mama's Baby! Diddy Clears Out Summer Jam

2007-06-05T22:18:00.000-05:00

That's my baby! Now if I can just get him reunited with JLo...--Smooches, Fake Janice

By: Linda Hobbs on VIBE.com
POSTED: 11:23 EST, June 4, 2007

Bad Boy mogul reunites with Lil Kim and The Lox onstage.

Under pouring rain and the gaze of no-nonsense security, Hot 97's Summer Jam Sunday night at New Jersey's Giants Stadium still rocked to a full arena of fawning fans and A-listers including Lil Wayne, Ne-Yo, Ludacris, and Chris Brown.

But even under the gloss of these acts, which also included Young Jeezy, and Swizz Beatz, no one could’ve anticipated Diddy.

Entering the stage complete with pyrotechnics, classic video clips of his illustrious career and wearing all black, Diddy, accompanied by Hitmen producer and rapper Deric "D-Dot" Angelettie, came out to 1997's "Victory."

Then, joined by 90s-style female dancers, Diddy invited out a slew of surprise guests which included Keyshia Cole, Yung Joc, Elephant Man and, finally, T.I.

"Y'all know who he is," Diddy says to the screaming crowd while pacing the rain-slick stage. "He's the king of the South." T.I. ran out to his Grammy award-winning hit, "What You Know." He then performed “Shoulder Lean” with surprise guest Young Dro.

And just when fans figured it was all over, Diddy escalated into his 1997 mega hit, "It's All About the Benjamins" - and on The Lox's quotable portion of the song, instead of asking the crowd to rhyme it, Diddy instead brought out his past notorious rivals: The Lox. By this time, the music stopped, and Diddy breathlessly announced, "Ladies and gentlemen. She's been gone for awhile but say 'what's up' to the queen."

And Lil' Kim, wearing a revealing red chiffon kimono shirt, performed her verse to "Benjamins" before jumping into her song, "Lighters Up" off her 2005 album Naked Truth. Read the rest here.

I Just Love Sirius Satellite Radio ...

2007-06-05T10:47:00.001-05:00

So I'm riding in to Starbuck's this morning and what comes on my favorite channel, 37 The Strobe? My girl Cissy Houston's disco cut "Think It Over". Honey, I cut that up and had the Nakamechi's knockin! "Get it Cissy, g'on girl!" I used to tear Studio 54 UP when that song came on back in the day with Ben Vereen. Maybe I can get my own channel like Jamie Foxx's Foxxhole on 106.

Here is a sample of the song for you young jitterbugs that ain't familiar.

Brown Liquor Playlist for Memorial Day

2007-05-25T22:10:00.000-05:00

Yeah since I am a music publisher and soon to be producer/manager of HBIC, I figured I'd bless my readers with some classics for the holiday weekend BBQ with your uncles and aunties and some Crown Royal and bid whist. Have a good holiday weekend; I'm off to Sean's in the Hamptons.

Got To Give It Up - Marvin Gaye
Groove Me Baby
90% of Me is You -Gwen McCrae
Girl You Need a Change of Mind - Eddie Kendricks
Love Makes a Woman - ?
Clean Up Woman - Betty Wright
Love and Happiness - Al Green
Mr. Big Stuff - Jean Knight
Turn Back the Hands of Time- Tyrone Davis
Talkin Bout Freedom - Syl Johnson
Rockin Chair - Gwen McCrae
Rock Me Again and Again and Again - Lyn Collins
Young Hearts Run Free - Candi Staton
Let's Straighten It Out - Lattimore
Let's Start the Dance - Bohannon
It's Your Thing - Isley Brothers
Bustin Loose - Chuck Brown

Cissy Houston to Sing at Aretha's Revival

2007-05-25T15:04:00.000-05:00

I guess the Celebrity Mama Mafia will fly out and support Cissy since she's one of the crew, and Ree since she's an honorary member. I ain't sure about Oracene going to a COGIC since they're Jehovah's Witness and all, but Detroit is 'Cene's kind of town so she'll probably be down. Shoot, everybody knows no one can party like the gospel set. Honey the Mighty Clouds of Joy are off the CHAIN!

And if the coast is clear for Ann Iverson by then, she'll be there. I just hope Ree doesn't call Ann up in the pulpit like she did last year. They tried to get her to Holy dance and Ann broke out with the Lean Wit It Rock Wit It and they were trying to put holy oil on her to buke the devil and..oh Lord it was a mess!Anyway, I think I'll plan to get microbraids in so I don't sweat out my lacefront weave if I catch the Holy Ghost.

ARETHA FRANKLIN RETURNS TO HER ROOTS: Franklin leads a Detroit Revival for third consecutive year.
Music legend Aretha Franklin, whose career began singing in the Detroit church of her father, Reverend C.L. Franklin at the age of 14 in the 1950s, will give back to those gospel roots as she leads a “revival” for her hometown of Detroit for the third consecutive year.

This year’s event will take place at Detroit’s Greater Emmanuel Institutional Church of God in Christ, beginning Thursday, June 14 through Saturday, June 16 at 7:00 p.m. nightly. The three-night celebration of faith will feature an impressive array of gospel vocalists and ministers, both local and national. The event is open to the public.

Commenting on the Revival, Franklin states, “I am looking forward to Detroiters coming out to worship with these great artists and pastors, strengthening and reviving their spirits, restoring their faith and for those who have left coming back into the fold.”

Recently the seventeen-time GRAMMY®-winning recording artist was announced as the “2008 MusiCares® Person of the Year,” and will be honored during an annual GRAMMY Week gala to be held in February 2008 in Los Angeles. Aretha Franklin is being honored for her extraordinary artistic achievements as well as her philanthropic efforts, which include Save The Children, Easter Seals and various churches and food banks in the Detroit metropolitan area.

In addition to a full summer touring schedule, Aretha Franklin is also busy working on both a musical production and major motion Hollywood biopic, based on her New York Times best-selling autobiography, Aretha Franklin: From These Roots.

REVIVAL SCHEDULE

Thursday, June 14, 2007
LaShun Pace
The Anointed Pace Sisters
Evangelist Dorothy Norwood
Reverend Edgar Vann, Jr.

Friday, June 15, 2007
Dr. Aretha Franklin
Dr. Cissy Houston
Micah Stampley
Evangelist Ruby Terry
The Christianaires
Zie’l
Little Rock Baptist Church Choir
Reverend Jim Holley

Saturday, June 16, 2007
Dr. Aretha Franklin
Pastor Smokie Norful
Evangelist Ruby Terry
Reverend Joseph Lowery, Southern Christian Leadership

The Free Fake Steve Jobs Thong!

2007-05-23T20:38:00.000-05:00

I'm not the only Fake celebrity persona in the bloggerhood, you know. My fake soul brother, Fake Steve Jobs, (yeah the iPod cat...paid as hell) has unfortunately caught himself several cases recently. To raise bail money off the books I guess, he started selling t-shirts with Fake Steve on it and some other mess about frig-something. I wasn't feelin' it until he came out with the Free Steve Thong! Now that's what's up! So I copped a few to show my support, being no stranger to the legal system myself. I'm rocking my Free Steve thong right now, and I ordered one for Lil Kim, and one for each member of the C.M.M.

Stevie, if you need me to put you in touch with R.Kelly's lawyers, they can tell you how to stay out of federal court for years... just put my fake Louis Vuitton iPod in the mail ok? Smooches! FJC

Diddy Threatens Laurie Ann; I Conjure His Dead Father for Help

2007-05-22T11:35:00.001-05:00

This boy is not going to put me in an early grave. I'm too fine! Y'all don't know what it's like to have your child all in the media for a bunch of fool mess (big up to Kathy and Rick Hilton) every other week. So, I did what I always do when Sean really gets to me. Light up a spliff of that Purple Haze Cissy found left over at Whitney's when she moved out, and talk it over with Melvin, Sean's late daddy. That's right! Don't look at me like that. 'Bout ten puffs into it and voila! my dead husband shows up like "I Dream of Jeannie".

Melvin: What's up Honeygal?
FJC: Your son's cuttin up again, that's what's up.
Melvin: What now? Me and Barry White been fishing down in Bimini all week so I'm out of touch.
FJC: You know that nice girl little girl that does his choreography, Laurie Ann?
Melvin: Yeahhhhhh fine as May wine?
FJC: Melvin, stay focused here.
Melvin: Okay Honeygal.
FJC: He done raised a chair up to her.
Melvin: Chair? What she pulled a blade on him or something?
FJC: No that was with Sienna Miller Melvin. He got mad because Laurie Ann didn't give the band much time to rehearse.
Melvin: Well, they don't need much time cause ain't none of them groups sold more n' 100 records. What is that boy thinking?
FJC: All that Combs coming out in him, you know that ain't from my side of the family.
Melvin: Um, didn't you chuck your shoe at the boy couple a weeks ago?
FJC: WhatEVER. Anyway Melvin what're we gonna do about your son?
Melvin: You want me to send Tupac to scare him again at night when he's 'sleep?
FJC: No, no he wet the bed last time and had to go on Valium.
Melvin: I know, I'll float in his bathroom and hide his Proactive from him for 2 weeks...That'll teach "Mr. Moisturize My Situation".
FJC: *chuckling* Oooh Melly Mel you still got it baby!
Melvin: I gotta go Honeygal.
FJC: Yeah I'm getting the munchies anyway. Can you float down to 7-11 and get me a dozen Krispy Kremes and a Shrek the III Slushie Melly- snookums?
Melvin: Sure, anything for my baby. Love you, Honeygal!
FJC: Love you too Melly-Mel. Now hurry before I lose my high!

JLo Gets Death Threats ( Dammit Ann, I Said K-PO, Not JLo! )

2007-05-15T21:49:00.000-05:00

I just knew letting Naomi Campbell in on the hit was a bad idea.

Ann (Iverson) said it'd be a diversion since she's a supermodel and all. I figured if Naomi can drop a maid with a MotoRAZR, she'd be down for a contract hit with Ann right? Wrong. I told both of those hammers," Smoke KIM PORTER" and the code name we'd use on the Sidekicks would be KPo. (Does Porter rhyme with Lopez?) I said, Ann, I want this to be done "Day of the Jackal" correct, you hear?
When Ann said, "What day of the jackass?" that shoulda been a sign this plan was doomed.

So what happens?

Naomi's coked-out behind lets Ann toot a line before they roll out in the Denali like Thelma and Louise 2. Zooted out of their minds, they then drive all the way to Beverly Hills, riding around Jennifer's house shooting the Tech 9 up in the air. Meanwhile calling talking trash to her on the cell phone talking bout the "'Black Escobar Sistas' are gonna bust a cap in your dome, girl!" over and over, then hang up like they 13 or something.

I had to send my fractional-ownership FlexJet in Cissy's (Houston) name out to LA for Ann. Since Cissy's saved, no one will suspect. Probably think she's trying to help Ann make Jesus her choice. Ms. Iverson gets a free vacation to Curacao for a few days 'til things die down and I'm done being mad at her. I'll never get my dream of having a daughter-in-law with a work ethic now.

P.S. If you are wondering what happened to the other Escobar Sister, Naomi, she's at Betty Ford until I'm done being mad at her.
P.S.S. If you love Fake Janice, hit this button and favorite me.

Help Janice Combs Step Her Game Up

2007-05-13T22:52:00.000-05:00

Hi Babies! First, let me say I truly deserve,er..... appreciate all the visits, love, links, cards, and emails since I started blogging again. Thank you darlings and FJC loves ya much.

Now for those of you who blog, when you visit, please be a lamb for me right now and add me to your Technorati Favorites list by clicking this button so the Queen can step her game up. :

Shoot! I Gotta Meet the Ol' Funky Queen of England...

2007-05-10T20:44:00.000-05:00

And I will NOT be curtsy-ing. What kinda gin do they serve over there anyway? Beefeater?

P. Diddy Added to P. Di Tribute
POSTED: 12:48 EST, May 9, 2007

Mogul joins Kanye West, Elton John, more in Princess Di memorial.

Diddy has been added to a concert commemorating the 10th anniversary of Princess Di's death, joining luminaries like Kanye West, Joss Stone, Nelly Furtado and more. Their performances will be seen by millions of people across the globe, as the five-hour concert is aired live in over 140 countries on what would have been the Princess's 46th birthday. All proceeds will go to charities supported by Diana before she died.

I Got It! An Arranged Marriage for Sean aka Diddy

2007-05-09T16:31:00.000-05:00

Help me out y'all. I think I'm going to do it like they do in the old country and get Kim out of the picture so my son will have a dime left to his name. I've listed some girls with serious bank funds below and a job....please help me vote and I'll take it from there.

Usher Fires Mama: Don't Get Any Ideas Sean Combs

2007-05-08T16:46:00.000-05:00

If this isn't a sin before God! Five days before Mother's Day and Usher fires his own mama. I just had to put it out there since my son was hanging out with the "heathen that Usher Raymond IV has become" in Vegas this weekend. Jonnetta needs to call ME on how to handle that boy. You all read what happened when Sean tried to break fly with me and hire some go between for his family. *BAM* with my Manolo and "Down goes Frazier" honey!

Anyway I know y'all are wondering what happened in Vegas with me Ann and 'Cene. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, but not for the Celebrity Mama Mafia....stay tuned.

Mama FJC Will Be in the BUILDING for the Mayweather De La Hoya Fight

2007-05-04T14:48:00.000-05:00

Since my almost daughter-in-law's husband, Marc Anthony, is singing the national anthem, Sean was able to call Jennifer and get me, Ann, and Oracene some tickets to the Mayweather v. De La Hoya fight. (Now, quiet as it's kept, me and Roger Mayweather used to have a little side thing going on back in the day...before me and Melvin got married, but I'll save that for another entry.) We asked Cissy if she wanted to roll with us, but she said she's seen enough azz whoopin' with Whitney and Bobby these last 15 years.

So me and 'Cene will be flying on my fractional ownership Flexjet tomorrow; I hope they remembered we requested a case of Veueve Cliquot and Henny to be iced down for the flight. Ann's coming over to Vegas in her Denali. I'll be live-blogging on my Sidekick from ringside, so y'all look for me on your Pay-Per-View. Just pray Ann leaves her Glock and weed at home; Team Mayweather has had enough brawling problems already without her bucking in the MGM Grand. Here's the footage from the brawl that had Roger calling me for bail money like it was a booty call. Boy please. Mayweather v. Judah Brawl.

Naomi Campbell Gets Tightened Up by J-A to The...

2007-05-03T16:34:00.000-05:00

I forget what damn event this was Sean drug me too. For whatever reason, Sean was messing with her for a minute and leaving me to keep her coke-tootin azz company. British folks are okay, but I have to keep myself in check because everything they say sounds sididdy like they are putting you down. When they are high, its like insults on 45 rpm. Ah the sacrifices mamas make for their sons.....

So she runs up all "Miss Jaaaaaanice Miss Jaaaaaanice", you know how they pronounce their vowels all backwards? And wanting to hug up on me to get in good with Sean. Humph! Like I ain't read about this hammer in NY Times straight stunting big time every other week.

When they snapped this I was whispering to her, "Child looka here... I don't care what went down with your maid, you call yourself hurling ya cheap azz Boost Mobile phone at me for any reason whatsoever, it's gonna be draws showing and wigs flyin up in here, you feel me?"

So, while it looks like we girls sipping champagne here, I actually had my flute drew back to backhand her across that strand weave if she tried to jack ol Janiceizzle with a mobile device. Who? You betta get familiar. J-A to the...